Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

When he asks for feet pics

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”