Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

🙄😏😂🤣

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight