Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t even know

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

I used the label maker

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Not today, today.
Not today.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.