Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.