We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
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84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
wife: please be careful with that box…you remember the bead incident
narrator: of course he remembered the bead incident. it was may, 2017. he’d decided to surprise her by organizing the closet, but it was he who would soon be surprised.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
