Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.