We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
In Canada they just call them geese
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…