We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
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My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
checking out some reviews of my local library
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Haha good job!!
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.