We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*