Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.