Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.