we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
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Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Be vigilant
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
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Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
yes… yes…
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
