we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
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Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.