We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
this is funnier than any friends episode
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.