We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever