love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Leonardo DiCaprisun
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.