@mallelis

we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.

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@EJGomez

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

@robfromonline

before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry

@EyalTweet

*gives 4 year old niece a My Little Pony*

Niece: Can it talk?

*slaps it out of her hands*

Me: Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

@PaperWash

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

@KevinFarzad

Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?

@SortaBad

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

@rowdyforsheriff

I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm

@rotusbrossum

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.