we put a man on the moon but we can’t keep him there. he keeps coming back. you stay on the moon. you stay there.

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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on


I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.


Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?


before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry


*gives 4 year old niece a My Little Pony*

Niece: Can it talk?

*slaps it out of her hands*

Me: Never look a gift horse in the mouth.


Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.


Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?


I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.


I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm


Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.