Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now