Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

just witnessed a drug deal

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?