We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
You Might Also Like
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
no refunds
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really