“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*puts my mental health in rice