“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.