Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

they really do be looking like this

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*