We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
You Might Also Like
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.