We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
🤯🤯🤯
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
A French press is when you hug naked
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?