Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

Shark week, but for squirrels.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.