Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.