We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
pictures of spider-man
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.