@tastefactory

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

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@1fragmentedmind

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

@DadandBuried

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

@mommajessiec

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

@TheReaIRobG

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

@DJwhoknew888

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@StephenKing

Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.