we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
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Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
😾
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?