Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions