Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

i hate you platonically

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”