Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Webb. James Webb.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.