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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
lost dog
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
The funk soul brother
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”