Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.