We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.