We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Sticker placement is key.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
#CoronaOutbreak
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Education is vital
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
WTF
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.