Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every
Single
Year

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.