I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
🙂🐾
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”