We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
LMAO.
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
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The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it