We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too