We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.