Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Legend 🤣🤣

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances