“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
You Might Also Like
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.