Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

😆this is so true

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.