“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
He a real one for that
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
pep talk
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you