Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

bags with threatening auras

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

no such thing as a dumb question

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*