Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.