We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
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We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
emergency phone
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts