We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
shakira sharkira
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
