We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Can’t. Being lazy.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
