We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
