We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
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ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO