Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Lucky old June.

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly