“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m giving up for Lent.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….