Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

bugs when you lift up a rock

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.