Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

I need to sieze this.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.