we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie