we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Whoa… oh I see lol
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
based al yankovic
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?