We should all go into advertising and fix what’s going on with commercials. They need our help
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow