We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.