Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”