We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
You Might Also Like
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Family Celebrity
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
A male goth is called a broth.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.