we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.