we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
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Priorities
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
What do you hear?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
