Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.