Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

awkward

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

i will not be silenced

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

logging onto twitter…

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”