We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
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Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive