We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
aura
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
getting groceries
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!