We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The 6 types of sex
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please