We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I was just discussing this with my cat
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.