Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

So Hamburger help me, God

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

listen closely

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.