we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I have many caverns
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.