we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
mumsnet is amazing
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My neck my back my allergy attack
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.