Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?