We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
You Might Also Like
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: