Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”
When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”
Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…
“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?
Jill: It was a riot.
Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.