@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

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@Izianikapani

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

@Donna_McCoy

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

@NYC_Blonde

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

@taramae72

I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”

You’re welcome.

@kelownagoose

Fun game:

Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…

“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”

And wait.

@MomOnFire

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@DaddyJew

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?

Jill: It was a riot.

Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.