@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

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@GlumGeorgeLucas

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

@pharmasean

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

@leechee420

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

@Fred_Delicious

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

@MsNitnots

Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.

@ClichedOut

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

@amydillon

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

@daemonic3

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

@XplodingUnicorn

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”