Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Her: I love you
Me: You make the worst life decisions
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”