Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”